I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
