i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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