90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
