Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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