I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize