your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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