I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
So vagazzling was a success
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize