u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
