You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
