i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
