I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
