I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
