My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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