I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
