if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize