I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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