I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
