I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
