I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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