You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
