Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
