I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
