I think I won the penis lottery.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
