I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
