I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
