I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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