glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
