You smell like stripper and shame
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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