I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize