i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize