I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
