Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Randomize
