Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Randomize