If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize