I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
