a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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