she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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