I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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