I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
