Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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