Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
