I didn't shave. On purpose
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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