some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You need a sexual gate keeper
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
