I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
