Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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