no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
