While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
