I think I can smell my own vagina right now
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
