i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
