having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
