There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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