i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
