The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
It's shark week go big or go home
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
