Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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