Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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