ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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