I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize