Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
