did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
