Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
