I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
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